How is it September? How is Xena headed to pre-preschool? And how, oh how, many more people are going to ask me when I’ll be “ready” for baby #2?
I don’t exactly blame them, I catch myself innocently doing the same thing to other moms more often than I’d like to admit. But the problem with this question is that generally, by the time you’re asking, said mom was actually “ready” MONTHS ago, and is now just waiting for the universe to be ready too.
Fertility is a tricky, highly sensitive subject and what I’ve learned is that SO so SO many women go through it, in some way or another. They think they’re battling it alone, likely because there’s a silly stigma that not getting pregnant instantly must mean there is something wrong with you or your reproductive system.
… and that couldn’t be farther from true.
Of course there are many different fertility and infertility “issues” and likelihoods-of-getting-pregnant, but in the end, a repetitive, humongous stressor is that each month a little test or period pal reminds these women that they are not pregnant. It didn’t stick. And whether they want it or not, there’s an instant emotional whirlwind that ensues.
Jordan and I have been trying for a Xena sibling for a year now. Yes, you read right, ONE YEAR. With family deaths and lots of life changes, it’s certainly been a packed (too many) months of ups and downs, and I know it all plays a role in this. As a team, we’ve fortunately never been stronger, but here I am, still starring at the “NOT PREGNANT” pee sticks blinking in my face.
I’ve been debating about writing about this for some time now, mostly scared of admitting it was actually happening to me.
My situation is called “unexplained infertility” which doesn’t, by any means, mean that I can’t or won’t get pregnant again, it just suggests that there is no obvious reason why I haven’t been able to re-conceive so far. All of my levels are “perfect”, which may sound nice, but also rules out any “quick fix”.
In the beginning I was so SURE that each month was “it”. Without a doubt, there was a baby forming in me. I would even go so far as to drive forty-five minutes to my OB to get a blood test, because I was certain I knew more than my 99.9% accurate pee sticks.
Negative calls weren’t any easier than negative sticks, I can promise you that!
LUCKILY, for the past couple of months, I’ve learned my lesson and have begun staying ahead of myself mentally. There have been lots of prayers, “I Can, I Will, I DO” mantra-ing, singing, swimming, tennis-ing, real estate-ing, decorating, acupuncture-ing, Xena-ing, and anything else that makes me my “whole happy self”. I keep repeating that I do know (and I really do!) that this baby will come exactly when he or she is ready, IF he or she is ready, and beyond that have let all higher powers take the lead.
I REFUSE to take the path of downward spiral (not that anyone chooses that, but I know it happens far too frequently, and is often a quick and very slippery slope).
No one’s road to pregnancy is perfect, and I’m 0% comparing my journey to anyone else’s. It’s not better, not worse, it’s just mine. Yes, baby making and baby creating comes more easily and unexpectedly for some, but who knows how their next “try” will be? It’s time us mommies band together, start talking openly (if that’s healing and helpful) and begin to be each other’s #1 cheerleaders.
I’m asking for all of your good vibes and promise to send plenty in return! If you need to talk? I’m around!
Until I get that double-line positive, I’m going to stay focused on soaking in every moment I can being a mama to my crazy, sassy and silly little growing girl. Oh, and pour myself a nightly glass of cabernet.
Much more on this topic soon. Xoxo, ICIWID.
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